Baby Number Two

My son, Otis Fox, was born at 9:42pm on Thursday 18th April, weighing 9 pounds and 1 ounce. He is brilliant and of course I am already completely, madly in love with him.

The nightmare continues....

The road back to recovery was never going to be easy and smooth, right? And of course it hasn't been. The week just gone is evidence of that. All of the old symptoms were back (and linger still) and I made it to work only one day out of five. It was a painful and unnecessary reminder that ME is still a big part of my life and that there is still a long way to go.

And another thing....

My last post was intended to do only a couple of things: To let people know that a recovery from ME - however small, incremental and as yet less than concrete it is - is actually possible. I wanted to let people know this because I don't want them to give up hope, as I almost did. Yes, there is as tremendous and incalculable amount of luck involved. It is also prudent not to underestimate resilience, patience, hope against all the odds and, last but not least, good old-fashioned stubbornness. It is possible, no matter how long it takes. It is possible.

The long road back

This time last year I had almost given up hope of any level of recovery and was ready to throw in the towel. After two years of a life on pause, without a glimmer of hope that feeling better were even possible, I was beginning to mentally prepare to live the rest of my life within the strict and merciless confined of this horrible illness.

But then something happened. I felt a tiny bit better; almost imperceptibly so but nonetheless it was tangible and, for me, extremely significant. It was the first sign that I could feel better. For the first time in a very long time, I had been given a reason to hope and to look forward.

I won't bore you with the nuts and bolts and the mundane details but I am very happy indeed to be able to say that over the course of the past twelve months my recovery has continued. It has been slow and tediously incremental but it is real and it has allowed me to begin putting the pieces of my broken life back together; bit by bit and, for the most part, sensibly and carefully. There have, of course, been numerous setbacks and worrying relapses along the way but they tend to be short-lived and far less debilitating than in the recent past. The important thing to note is that the general trend has been, and continues to be, an upward one.

I am still a long way away from feeling as well and as healthy as I did in my pre-ME days. Many doors, such as exercise, remain closed to me. I am precariously balanced above a long drop back into the abyss of chronic illness and live in constant fear of an enormous relapse. I believe that, if my symptoms were to return to the same extent as before, I would not be so lucky a second time. That being said, I am determined to focus mainly on this hugely positive change; a change which tempts me to believe that I might actually be able to eventually resume all aspects of my former life.

Crucially, I am working again. After several months in a relaxed, easy and comparatively undemanding adult education environment, in January of this year I took a step towards restoring my interrupted career by accepting a maternity cover position as Acting Head of Department at a challenging secondary school in east London. For sure, it hasn't been easy and the demands of the promoted post mean that I have been pushing my luck and my boundaries. However, I am just about managing to hold it together and haven't missed any days yet. I seem to be doing a good job and making a good impression. This is a massive step forward.

I wish that I could offer some unique and magical advice to those of you who have not yet experienced signs of a recovery. Unfortunately, I can't. I take my medication every day; I am usually careful not to overdo it physically; I still enjoy a glass of red wine but do so only occasionally; and, except for a life-long weakness for Pringles, I watch my diet.

I know that I am lucky. I use that adjective deliberately because I honestly believe that it is luck which dictates the severity of our symptoms and whether or not we will ever recover our previous good health. I have been extremely lucky but continue to be aware of, and continue to think of, fellow sufferers who have been significantly less fortunate. I hope that you, too, are soon surprised, as I was, by an overdue and unexpected upturn in fortune. I just wanted to let you know that it can and does happen.

Festive greetings

I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Xmas and a happy, healthy, successful, choice-laden New Year 2013.

M.E. International Awareness Day

Today, May 12th, is M.E. International Awareness Day. M.E. is real, it is physically and mentally debilitating and it does not discriminate. It has a profound, detrimental impact on people's lives. Please take a moment out of your day to learn something about this illness and, if you know someone who has been affected by it, please offer to help and support them in any way that you can.

Thankful Thursday 12

This week I have been thankful for a wonderful weekend visit to my native Scotland (although I am of course now suffering double as a result of the trip), where my daughter met her big cousins and the rest of her Scottish side of the family.

Also, I continue to be grateful for and appreciative of the help, support and understanding of "The FB Spoonies Group", which allows me to rant in the dark.

What have you been thankful for this week?